Ranking the Best Jokes From the Tom Brady Roast

1. Nikki Glaser

The roast really started when Glaser stepped to the podium, and she delivered the best top-to-bottom set of the night. Her bits about Gisele, Julian Edelman, er, sucking up to Brady, and her willingness to shoot her boyfriend in the face for a chance with TB12 were all great—her set really didn't have lulls, she got a standing ovation, and her best joke absolutely killed.

Best line: "Tom also lost $30 million in crypto. Tom, how did you fall for that? Even Gronk was like, 'Me know that not real money!'"

2. Sam Jay

Often the funniest jokes are the ones you don't see coming, and a first-time roaster going in on Drew Bledsoe was phenomenal. Jay's "too Black for Boston" bit about Brady was excellent, but her Bledsoe jokes were just as good. The best part was watching Bledsoe react to a drive-by he probably didn't see coming.

Best line (to Bledsoe): "The only ring you have is the one Tom won for you. So your Super Bowl ring is just like my strap-on. Just because you wear it doesn't make it real."

3. Tom Brady

The GOAT did not disappoint at his own roast. Kim Kardashian leaving the kids at home with Kanye? Owning the Colts and Bills? Telling Gronk he's not the father of a baby rhino? Brady was in the pocket—he'd clearly prepared, his set was one of the very best of the night—and it was the best of the bunch delivered by a non-comedian. If it seemed like he was regretting his decision to participate midway through the roast, he got the last laugh by the end.

Best line: "Everybody asks me which ring is my favorite. I used to say, 'The next one.' But now that I'm retired, my favorite ring is the camera that caught Coach Belichick slinking out of that poor girl's house at 6 a.m. a few months ago."

TOM BRADY FAVORITE RING WAS THE RING CAMERA ONE WHICH CAUGHT Bill Belichick LEAVING THAT POOR GIRLS HOUSE AT 6 IN THE MORNING

"YOU STILL GOT IT BILL"

pic.twitter.com/avEOPB29gC

— MLFootball (@_MLFootball) May 6, 2024

4. Bill Belichick

It's only fitting that Belichick and Brady were neck-and-neck with some of the best sets of the night. Brady edged out Belichick on a joke-for-joke scorecard, but Belichick had two of the most memorable lines of the night: the "10-part roast of Bill Belichick" joke about The Dynasty (the Apple TV+ docuseries), and the one about Brady and trainer Alex Guerrero. Plus, you got the sense Belichick meant it. (Tell us how you really feel about Danny Amendola, Bill!)

Best line: "It was hard to butt heads with Tom because he was so far up Alex Guerrero's ass."

5. Kevin Hart

As host, Hart had a fun set to kick things off (watching Brady realize in real time that jokes about his divorce from Gisele would be prominent was something), but he's here in the top five for how he quarterbacked the evening as a whole. He clocked all the big moments in real time and leaned into them while also navigating the sets from both comics and athletes, and giving the audience a few extra beats to laugh at jokes like Glaser's crypto bit or process whatever the heck Gronk was doing. Sound it out, Gronk! But Hart's best moment of the night was diplomatic, not comedic. The State Department should be studying how he got Belichick and Robert Kraft up on that podium together to take a shot. This is a big moment, Bill!

No lie, the Tom Brady Roast my be the sports cultural event of 2024

* Humanized Tom Brady

* Humanized Bill Belichick

* Kraft and Belichick taking shots together

Learned more in this 2 hours than I did in the 10 part Patriots documentary https://t.co/TF8dEdu99O

— Aaron Torres (@Aaron_Torres) May 6, 2024

Best line: "Let me tell you something: When you've got a chance to go 8-9, and all it will cost you is your wife and kids? You've got to do what you've got to do."

6. Julian Edelman

I'll be honest: I did not know Edelman had this in him! His set, which was ruthless and smoothly delivered, might have been the surprise of the roast. On a night that featured more than a few one-liners about Aaron Hernandez, Edelman's got the most potent combination of laughs and gasps. Maybe he was just good on the prompter, but Edelman was in command of his jokes enough that asides like, "I've been waiting for this for so long," as he ripped Belichick's unemployment felt ad-libbed. Surprisingly, he was the only roaster to go after Brady's ever-evolving hairline and bone structure—and the joke landed as one of the best of the night.

Best line: "Who's laughing now, Tom? Not you, because your face can't move and you don't have a sense of humor."

7. Will Ferrell as Ron Burgundy

Will Ferrell seems to be entering that Ryan Gosling Zone, where he only appears in public in character. He was kind of doing his own thing, but it worked, and his run about Eli Manning was great. One of the challenges of a roast is finding the right balance between the jokes the audience knows are coming and stuff that's out of left field, and Ferrell as Ron Burgundy mispronouncing Gisele, thinking he's in New York and pretending to fall in love with Brady was a helpful addition to the latter category.

Oh man the Giselle jokes have been brutal even Anchorman Ron Burgandy is getting into it Will Ferrell at Tom Brady Roast live on Netflix pic.twitter.com/eQlQlqlaHc

— Andy Signore (@andysignore) May 6, 2024

Best line: "Poor Gisele, it took her 13 years to learn what we all know: Tom is boring. Dink, donk, dink, donk, touchdown, who cares!"

8. Andrew Schulz

Schulz seemed like he was having a blast up there. "Bill has secretly filmed more guys playing for the other team than Diddy," didn't draw his biggest laugh, but it elicited the biggest gasp of the night from the audience, and it's fun to watch a comic know he's getting a reaction.

Best line: "Tom, you remind us that no matter how big you get, how successful you are, or how much you accomplish in your life, you can always end up a twice-divorced supplement salesman in Tampa, Florida. And for that, we thank you."

9. Kim Kardashian

Serious question: Why were people booing Kim Kardashian? That was vigorous booing! Is this about Taylor Swift? I did not know people still had it out for her that way, and I don't think she or the dais expected the audience to respond like that when she was invited on stage to give a toast. I also remain confused about her and Brady's apparently close friendship. A lot of questions here. Anyway, she was a good sport and her set was good!

Best line: "Honestly, it's hard to watch people roast you, but I think enough of my family members have helped defend former football players."

10. Peyton Manning

Manning is great at a roast because he never sounds like he's being mean. One of the things this roast got right was the sequencing—both choices of Ferrell, a.k.a. Burgundy, to introduce Belichick and Manning to introduce Brady himself were smart.

Best line: "Tom and I both golf. My handicap is 6.4, and his handicap is blowing leads to my brother Eli in the Super Bowl."

11. Rob Gronkowski

Gronk had some great moments, like when he went after Belichick about running the infamous hill, but the most memorable part of his set wasn't a specific joke but how off-the-rails it was as a whole. I think that shot glass he spiked was made of real glass? I am docking Gronk a bit for making at least four too many gay jokes that felt right out of 1997, but the avocado line did make me laugh. And I believe Gronk when he says he worked on his own material.

Best line (to Edelman): "Julian, you're the only one who used tongue."

12. Drew Bledsoe

Bledsoe was brave enough to be first on the dais, and standing up at the podium drinking a glass of his own wine was a nice touch. His set had some lulls, but the bits about confirming he hates Brady were funny, and the closing wedding anniversary jab was one of the first signs of the night that no one would be holding back. Bledsoe also had a great sense of humor throughout the night when he was targeted.

Best line: "My favorite wine is our world class cabernet. Tom's favorite whine is, 'Where's the flag?!'"

13. Jeff Ross

Ross has had more memorable roast sets, but the Roastmaster General is a huge winner given the overall success of the event. He was also the only roaster to go after Kraft, though Brady apparently didn't care for his massage parlor joke.

Best line (about Brady's book): "The TB12 Method, very helpful. In fact, Kevin Hart has been sitting on it all night."

14. Tony Hinchcliffe

Purely on a jokes-per-minute basis, Hinchcliffe had the set of the night. His Gronk jokes in particular had a cheeky charm.

Best line: "Tom is afraid of the Giants, which is why Kevin Hart is hosting tonight."

15. Randy Moss

Moss struggled with some of his delivery, but the bit in which he asked why the Patriots didn't cheat when he was on the team was funny. Several others delivered "Randy Moss doesn't have a ring" jokes, but his approach to the topic was the most clever. Moss gets bonus points for the line "Who the fuck is Nate Ebner?" Not sure that lands with anyone who isn't a Patriots fan, but I know they were laughing in New England.

Best line: "You know how hard it is to look your kids in the eyes and say, 'They just don't trust me enough to cheat'?"

16. Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

On a night with this many roasters, it's good to have a couple weird bits thrown in. Segura and Kreischer's slideshow connecting Brady with various historical psychopaths and serial killers definitely qualifies, though I did spend the last few beats of their allotted time thinking: "I wonder why Bill Burr isn't here."

Best line: [Showing picture of semi-nude Brady clutching football] "Was he pregnant?"

17. Robert Kraft

Despite the fact that the evening was surprisingly light on massage parlor jokes (and given Brady's response to the one Ross made, it's fair to wonder if that's what was taken off the table) this was a tough evening for Kraft, who had to weather that moment, Belichick's iciness and several Deflategate jokes during which he appeared to be dissociating. Perhaps accordingly, Kraft seemed nervous during his short set, though it had a few lines that landed.

Best line: "Tom, good luck buying the Raiders. They did your favorite thing for you already—they got rid of Jimmy Garoppolo."

18. Dana White

White only got a minute to roast and wasn't able to do much with it. It's not ideal if you have to say "come on, that was a good one" mid-set.

Dana White was pissed Netflix only gave him one minute to roast Tom Brady

"You guys gave me 60 seconds? My name is Dana! Is that not trans enough for you liberal f*cks?" pic.twitter.com/rSJEBPSyci

— Happy Punch (@HappyPunch) May 6, 2024

Best line: Unfortunately for White, they were all in Andrew Schulz's set.

19. Ben Affleck

Speaking as someone who watched every minute of The Greatest Love Story Never Told, I must ask: is Ben Affleck OK? He spent most of his time at the podium yelling about internet commenters and not telling jokes. It was weird! Matt Damon, come get your friend. He's killing the vibe.

Best line: Saying Brady overcame "the physique of a professional bowler with a smaller right arm" to play football.