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How to Do It
How to Do It is Slate's sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It's anonymous! Dear How to Do It, My partner and I are sexually compatible in every way—when we have sex. I have some major body image issues, though my partner always says they're very attracted to me. They encourage me to be more confident, which often translates to me being more forward during sex. But I do it in a way that triggers some of their previous sexual trauma. They also have a hard time finishing with a partner, probably for similar reasons. I've always had a very high sex drive and have been working hard on my self-esteem. We've been trying to find ways to make it work for us, between them just helping me out or us planning ahead so that they can mentally prepare. I know that I can't fix the underlying problem myself, and I'm not trying to, but how do I stop feeling like I'm inadequate and unattractive? —Anxious Dear Anxious, The concept of confidence can mean sitting with a feeling of appreciation and comfort in our own body, and can also mean the feeling we experience as we take action. It sounds like your partner is encouraging you to be confident in your body, and you're interpreting that to mean you should make confident sexual approaches. From what you've written here, conflating the two is triggering your partner and backfiring with regard to that confidence you're trying to foster. A foundation of body confidence and self-esteem built with sexual attraction and prowess is often flimsy. Even if it works well in our 20s and 30s, age does come for all of us. And we may find ourselves choosing partners who are less interested in sex than we are or have difficulties connecting sexually (like you've done), which can make it take a hit. So try thinking about everything that isn't sex. What does your body do for you? What are your arms good for, and your legs? Get a little less direct about it—what does your heart do for you? What non-physical attributes do you bring to your relationships, work, and activities in your free time? Think back on what your partner and your friends have told you are qualities they appreciate about you. Make a list if that seems useful. Or stand in front of the mirror and look at yourself while voicing affirmations out loud. Maybe this looks like, "I care about my partner's well-being," and "I am considerate." You've got this. Submit your questions anonymously here. (Questions may be edited for publication.) Dear How to Do It, I tend to lose heat in my extremities easily; I probably have Raynaud's disease. I barely notice, but it pretty much guarantees that every sexual session with my wife begins with her recoiling at my touch. This is, to say the least, not desirable. What strategies exist for getting past this issue? Gloves might be a hard sell. —Cold Hands Dear Cold Hands, Hand warmers! I mean, please go to a doctor and find out whether you actually have a medical issue, and, if so, what treatments are available. But in the interim, use hand warmers to get your fingers and palms all toasty before you touch. There are disposable options that react to air exposure and stay warm for several hours, as well as reusable electronic versions that you can charge. Help us keep giving the advice you crave every week. Sign up for Slate Plus now. Dear How to Do It, I was in a brief four-month relationship last summer that became very intense, very quickly. She was ethically nonmonogamous and polyamorous. I was so head over heels for her that although I had never even entertained anything besides monogamy before, I was willing to give it a try. Things blew up. I got jealous when I kept seeing the other guys' texts pop up on her phone and we ended on a bad note. Ever since then, I feel like I see polyamory stuff everywhere and I can't help but feel like I was in the wrong and should've been more open and secure in myself if she meant that much to me. I feel like ENM/polyamory is more progressive and it's my deeper insecurities about myself that are holding me back. Part of me is still hung up on her even though we've been no contact for six months. I know she's done with me. How do I get past this? And is this a sign I shouldn't try this again in the future? —Bothered By Insecurity Dear Bothered By Insecurity, Based on what you've written here, you were in the wrong. And there's no healthy way, no matter how much your girlfriend meant to you, that you could have forced yourself to be more open than you are. Polyamory and ethical nonmonogamy aren't inherently more progressive types of relationships, but the encouragement within them to communicate, know ourselves, and work through strong feelings—among other progressive aspects—are. So, know that you can take those specific parts and incorporate them into any relationship, including monogamous ones. One way to start might be by reading Jessica Fern's Polysecure—it focuses on jealousy and might help you sort out why you reacted the way you did. I don't necessarily think that one blown-up nonmonogamous relationship means you should never attempt another, but I do think that you should think through what happened and set yourself up for success the next time you're entering any kind of relationship. After all, even a monogamous girlfriend is likely to receive text messages from people (who, in this case, she wouldn't be having sex with). Are you jumping into things faster than solid trust can develop? Are you secure in yourself in general, and do you know what you bring to a relationship? Go ahead and grieve the relationship. Mourn the fact that you really liked her and it didn't work out. Be sad about the things you hoped for not materializing. But know that you weren't a fit at this moment in time. Let go of any ideas about restarting this particular relationship—you haven't spoken in six months and you say you know she's done with you. When you're ready to date again, let relationships move a little more slowly. Do some consideration about what you want your relationships to look like and what boundaries you need to have within them. Time will heal. —Jessica Stoya I am a straight male. Ever since I was a child, I have thought that the act of open-mouth kissing was gross and disgusting. Another person's saliva in your MOUTH? Barf! I would be perfectly happy to kiss practically any part of my partner's body, excepting the mouth and the anus. Now that I am of an age such that most people would like to kiss someone, I am finding it difficult.I'm really trying.
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