I Have a Close Bond With All of My Kids—and Then There's My Middle Child

Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have two sons, Tom (5) and James (2), and in between them had a fairly late miscarriage. As a result, I stayed hesitant to get excited through pretty much the entirety of James' pregnancy.

After he was born, I had postpartum depression and he had minor health issues that weren't life-threatening, but were time, mentally, and emotionally consuming and made it so none of us slept through the night until he was about 18 months old. We were all just living in survival mode. He is a funny, sweet, thoughtful little boy, but as much as I like him, I just don't feel near the connection with him that I do with Tom.

Now, I'm expecting our third son. This has been my easiest, healthiest pregnancy, we are the most prepared we've ever been, and I think because I know this is my last baby, I've been more present for the experience and am looking forward to him joining our family.

The main problem now is that I find myself already bonded more with this baby than with James. Tom and I have a great relationship, we share similar interests, are both introverts, and I'm just seeing a growing divide between myself and James that I'm afraid is only going to get worse as we welcome a new child to the family. What can I do to build a bond? We spend time together, and I do like him, I just don't feel the connection that I think I should with him.

—Mum Seeking Connection

Dear Mum,

Please give yourself grace. I understand your current situation troubles you, but I just want you to step back and consider that your miscarriage and the difficulties you had surrounding James' birth and infancy are all still rather recent. Even if James is on the later side of 2 years old, it's only been a matter of months that you've been fully sleeping, and the postpartum depression and health issues are not yet distant memories. I know this isn't the same situation at all, but my husband passed away in 2021 after battling cancer, and it took me the better part of two years until the happy pre-cancer memories drowned out the more recent traumatic ones. Traumas really wedge themselves into our psyches—and can almost feel molecular at times. So I think it is perfectly understandable and acceptable (whatever that means) that you're still on an emotional journey with James.

Another thing to remember is that each child you have is its own experience. You can find lots of commentary out there about the vast differences moms feel between their first kids and the subsequent ones. I think there is a very particular alchemy that happens between moms and first children because they are the ones who ushered us into an entirely new identity and became almost our teammates as we figured out—together—how this whole parent-child thing was going to work. Similarly, you can find lots of people commenting about the significance they feel about a baby when they know it is their last. So, again, I think you deserve grace, because your relationship with James was always going to be different than with Tom or the new baby, even without the difficult circumstances. It's no less special, but it's different.

Of course, that doesn't mean we want James to feel like second (third?) fiddle. It sounds like you are spending dedicated time with him, which is great. Is it one-on-one? If not, I'd try to carve out some time just for him—and keep up with it after baby arrives. I'd also think about ways that you and he can enjoy the new sibling together, by having him "help" with some baby-related tasks or doing story time or playtime together, etc. And don't discount the value of simply continuing to get to know James. What if you kept a gratitude journal about something you noticed in each kid each day, or if you committed to taking a photo of each kid each day? I think anything you can do to take yourself out of logistics mode and into a place where you can simply reflect on your kids can help you find and strengthen the love you have for each of them.

I really believe this will get better. We often assume that first, we love, and then we do loving things as a result. But sometimes, it is through doing the loving acts that we cultivate loving feelings. Maybe that sounds like a more sentimental way of saying, "Fake it till you make it," but I feel confident that with a little more time, you'll find that spark of love that's eluding you right now. Good luck.

—Allison

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